Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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