I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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