Yo dont text me then not text me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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