the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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