My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
