i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
