Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
