I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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