Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
