I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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