So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
