end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
