I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
