So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
