ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
