I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have post one night stand depression
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
