he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
