I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
