rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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