Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
