The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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