oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
