This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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