sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I supernannyed him into submission
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
