Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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