the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
