I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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