His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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