oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
