When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
