he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
