Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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