Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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