I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
