The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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