you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
