Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
