It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
