I showed him my bush... on skype.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Rumble strips road head = magical
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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