someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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