i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
