He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
