My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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