Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
