the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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