3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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