he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
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apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time