a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
