sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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