Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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