tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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