dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
