Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
