in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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