she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
